truth.

I have got to shake up certain things up regarding my life. I guess there're a lot of occurences that I didn't see coming. These occurrences are taking a toll on me, psychologically, physically and mentally. I think I've been sleeping more than usual which is weird for an insomniac like I am. After yesterday's talk, I think I've come to a final verdict about myself - something I ought to mention for some sort of justice to myself after years of self-deprecation in front of myself and others.

I'm not a person who take things very seriously and this is exactly a two-edged sword that's served me well over the yesteryears since the onset of maturity and rationale. This is something that has kept me sane without much qualms and I feel I do possess this something that not many are equipped with. Something that is cultivated through years of humilty regarding my Bangla-look (pft!) and my willingness to face the reality of it. Whatever intelligence quotient I acquired is fully attributed to the genes bequeathed to me by my parents and National Geographic Channel.

My current outlook on life is pretty much conservative. Honestly, I am just an average warm-blooded slightly above aged teenager who watches soccer and porn intermittently from all the testosterone, indulges in selfishness once in a while sometimes more often than I should, visit my family at over at their place. I do not club anymore (since 3 years ago) and I do not do alcohol anymore despite being very open about it.

In a relationship, I'm someone who absorbs a lot - any ill-feelings and negativity that arises and emanates from the relationship. I do not deny that I contributed to a lot of it as well. Sometimes lack of seriousness and tendency to avoid the possibility of awkwardness from a full blown fiasco torrents the significant other. Sometimes I cannot help it because I really want things to be normal around. A sad face, angry words or a cold shoulder never belongs to the natural order of things in my world. It happens but it's something that should never be a regular feature. Sadness and grief should only be sanctioned with the passing of a loved one or when someone crashes your ride.

After being in the last relationships, I think it's time to drill it into myself that in essence I can never be sustainable at the way things are. Last night when I dropped the bomb, it still haunts me - and I think it's gonna be for long. The expression that was created, the emotions that were unleashed and the grief - which I said earlier should only be reserved for two instances - that became apparent. I'd never forgive myself for something like that and God forbid I enter another one in the future with the memory of it still lingering in the crevices of my mind. I do miss the latter very much but the latter doesn't want to work to save the relationship anymore. There's no way I can salvage anything, the misdeed was done - and the consequence that arises from it has completed it full circle back towards, yours truly.

Yes, and you realize there weren't any pictures because I love Times New Roman so much, okay fine, no. Blogger's a bitch, there were problems with the posting of pictures.

Till then,
Au Revoir.