can i not breathe in?

cause its hurting so bad. :(

and to have someone like you with me through my ups and downs,
i wouldn't ask for anything more. no words can express how
i'm feeling right now, except for gratitude for having someone like
you in my life right now and for the rest of my life.

Sensitivity.

So, I’ve been said to be an over sensitive person by someone very dear to me. An individual will define sensitivity differently, but most can agree that it is easily being hurt emotionally. I don’t know if I’m acting over sensitively, but I’m sure of my feelings, I’m hurt.

Picture this, you’re hungry and so you decided to just post it up on Facebook saying FUCKING HUNGRY. (I mean it’s normal, isn’t it?) So what would you, as a partner, do?

1. Comment and say, “Go eat lah!”
2. Comment and Like and say, “I ALSO FUCKING HUNGRY!”
3. Message on cellphone, “You haven’t eaten since breakfast. Go have your dinner.”
4. Message on cellphone, “Why haven’t you gone for dinner?”
5. Message on Facebook, “PERGI MAKAN LAH”
6. Message on Facebook, “Don’t be a dimwit. Go and eat, you’re not young anymore for someone to tell you to eat when you’re hungry.”

So tell me, what should I feel?

So seriously, am I being over sensitive?

i have warn you against her and again i am going to warn you.

don't regret at the end of the day, it'll be too late.

i dont know what im feeling now, im just so tired from all the thinking.
all these while you kept your peace, you were silent, not a single thing from you.
i dont want to blame your ego, but i have no other things i could blame.
i tried to do things i thought were best for me, i tried and i think i failed.
im now in the biggest shit ever, i dont know what to do, how to react.
i dont even know what to do next, put aside solutions, i dont even have a solution.
im just very tired right now and i wish you were here with me, cause i know you will make everything right,
i miss you fucking much, a thing you dont even know, a thing you dont even think.
i tried to find alternatives and now im finding it hard to accept myself,
it's not helping that it's killing me inside.

i fucking love you, sayang. :(

i haven't felt like this for a long time, i don't even know if i should be feeling this way. it's like a feeling of uncertainty, a feeling that even im not familiar with. i experienced it once, but it occurred with a particular person, not with two. this time, i don't know why it's there again, with two. i know it's wrong, i tell myself it's wrong, but i can't help this feeling. maybe it's a test, maybe it's not. give the benefit of a doubt, i am doubting it's a test. but, while i am here trying to figure out where the hell i have gone wrong or right, i don't even know where to start. this uncertainty is killing me because i know it's killing you too. :( please do know, i never did want to hurt anybody, especially you.

i have always thought that you're not ready,
but now i realize it's not you,
it's me, i'm not ready,
i'm not ready to share you with anyone else.


i miss you.

why do i love you so much that it hurts?

I was peering through the curtains at the empty court, listening to the flyby planes when I thought I should write something.

-

Almost too often, you hear people saying extraordinary things about love. Being in love, the power of love, what love do to our lives, the love for people, the love from God, blah.

You do? I do, too.

Is love charitable, or is love a mechanism of sympathy?

Then some yesterdays ago, I heard someone that came up with the statement, "death is overrated".

I couldn't exactly remember when and where I stumbled upon this line, but it surely did came knocking some sense up north.

Probably made true by the ignominious kinship it has with the cowardice of suicide, death is almost always preferred by the most desperate people who want the easy way out of life.

I'm not saying every death shall be a glorious death, nor every suicide, an dishonourable act - but what is it, is it.

-

There's too much of these glorification going on about death, love and life; the trinity that came out with you from your mom's womb.

These exclamations, of love being a powerful stimulus in our lives, how it plays a mammoth role in our way of live, blah... I am clueless from where I should start believing, or where I should stop believing.

-

I wrote this because I was cheated into believing I was loved.

My maker made me believe that they loved me, they cared for me, and that they'll give me everything I want which will be good for me.

Through this belief, I then waged a war against the crusaders of my life, and I am adamant that this defiance and rage in me will tell me that I need to persevere to preserve my pride and stand.

Because I finally comprehend that "what is good for me, may not be good to you at all", now I want to have I want, that people might not want. So what is most important now; is what I want, not what people want. We don't live for others, don't we?

I'm an living individual, so after these ordeal, I suddenly questioned myself and ponder why does my life have to be managed as though it's a business deal.

Not making any sense at all.

-

I was never a rebel, but as the imminent demise of my acquiesce proved to be too overwhelming, I've decided that it's time I sail the sea myself.

I want to be my own captain, so sailors - please leave.

-

"I'm doing this because it's for your own good" - what if I think otherwise?

"You shouldn't be doing this because it's gonna implicate you and us" - Huh? Us?

"When the waters are calm, then you shall bring on the surfboard" - So where's my fun when I need it now?

"Do this, don't do that because it's gonna hurt us..." - Why do I always have to succumb to thou words?

Everything they said, they made me felt as though they loved me.

Sorry, but love is more than just monetary comfort or a few hugs. There's so much more.

When I can't help but to feel that this love was faux and otherwise, I suddenly felt ridiculed of what they wanted from me.

I then finally decide to stop being the rip-off I always was.

I can't condone any more of these; apparently all these pre-emptive "precautionary" phrases that were engulfing me of late is becoming more than a nag. It's become intolerably annoying and is absolutely detrimental to my psychological being.

I'm very sure I've listened enough, I want out, now.

-

Wait a minute, have I murmured a line or said something yet?

Where are the words that I wanted to be heard by you people?

I haven't even spoke a word, yet the assembly of these lewd and ludicrous blabbers from these unthoughtful selfish minions have already took a big part of me away.

I'm pretty sure that there are more heart aches than heart attacks out there everyday, but how many of the heartaches' actually even contemplated death?

Hardly, let me tell you.

Yet it is the death from these aches of the heart that are more murderous and frequent than the real death.

Some people just don't get it.

For fuck sake, just stop proclaiming.

Don't ever say "i love you" when you're not listening or you do not want to. There's no love without ears.


I'm grieving.

the never ending monologue.

I used to be a man of very few words when it comes to things that are personal. Throughout the months, I realize I've been rather open with my personal affair - especially with regards to matters of the heart. I believed why I did that was solely because I was happy being with the one I truly loved. I ignore speculations when others think a certain way about me. I re-read back my Facebook status last night, since mid last year when I first got myself entangle in a relationship. I was really happy back then. Mushy, yes a little - but more than anything else, it was jut about appreciation I had for the other half. Many knew but choose to keep quiet and not ask me straight to my face. Some did, though. And most of the time, they get an honest answer that make their jaw dropped. I have nothing to hide about my relationship status with anyone in the past. Yes, you could have notice I openly reiterate my status to in a relationship with someone whilst I was at it. More than anything else, I wasn't bragging about it, but more of respecting the other party and telling the latter, look, I appreciate and love you and I'm not shy nor afraid to share it with the whole world.

These dew weeks have been a rough week personally for me, but I realized my Facebook status hasn't been as morbid as I thought it'll be. I'm thankful I have friends around me that are willing to go through with me and give me strength. And yes, as most of you could have already noticed, the relationship status has changed - and indeed in reality too. There's no grudges between us. I have not even a pinch of hatred feelings for the latter. I have once love the latter all my heart- and truth to be told, still am. But things doesn't always go our way. There are things in life better a certain way. I appreciate everything the latter has done for me. I love the latter but I loathe a certain behavior. God created us all differently - that I'm willing to accept. And I believe sometimes, we just need to give them time to change or realize. I have given the latter several opportunities and things aren't working out. I badly wished it had, because truly I want it to work out so bad.

I'm not going to pin the latter down with whatever that has happened. I believe in every failure, we ourselves are to blame. I have no doubt that I have my mistakes and flaws too. I guess what I thought was the best for us may not be for the latter. There are hurtful things I might have done, but never have I intentionally done it. Sometimes I thought, you will understand, but sometimes it isn't that way. At times, you think what I did was just ridiculous and annoying, but I thought it was normal and fine. Small things intrigued me, but not for you. In every step you took in your life, I've always been supporting and giving my all to what you're doing. But, you think I'm not supporting you when all I did was being overly concerned for you. I tried my best to give what I've got to prove that I was sincere and that I loved you but all I got was a bad impression of myself. I was just being overly concerned when I tried to talk you out. Sometimes whatever we think is right, is not right. We are bias against ourselves, we always want to win in any battle. But, sometimes we just have to face it - we do lose at times. I guess this time both of us has lost one another. I'm really not the least happy about it, cause for one year, I have worked for this relationship. Trying hard to make it work, trying hard to prove I'm sincere, trying hard to show you I want to take care you, Trying to show you I'll be with you whenever you need me. But I guess I'm just human. I make mistake and I guess my mistake was that I was trying so hard. I just didn't want to lose you, but truth to be told, I just have.

The last thing I will ever want to be in, is a situation where I am betrayed and played behind my back. I just can't accept that. If someone's really unhappy being with me, they just have to tell me and I'll understand that I'm not needed. I can't accept being treated like a mannequin. Saying you were busy with your commitments with something you like, I'm perfectly okay with that. But shoo-ing me off despite me supporting you all the way is just not nice. You told everyone else I wasn't supportive with what you are doing. You told everyone else that I can't accept what you like. I really beg to differ because all these while I was there to support you in every decisions you make - although sometimes I tend to nag. One thing to do that, but it's another whole story when you shoo me off, but could spend time with another being. I wasn't asking for much. During the time I was with you, I knew your schedule very well. I called you during times you were a bit free to entertain me. And I rarely hogged on the phone for long when I know you're out and busy. But, I guess that was too much for a someone who loves you to do for you. I guess you find it annoying. In real fact, I think you actually find me annoying. I have come to terms with that. :)

I'm not gonna rant any further because there's just too much things to say and I just can't go on any further. I just wanted to let this out here because I couldn't succumb it to myself any further. But fret not, I'll recover.

No doubt, I still blame myself for the failure of the relationship. I wasn't good enough for you. I know you've found someone else and I'm happy if you're happy. I just need to take a rest now. Just a long rest.

Au revoir.

I never did give up.
You want me outta your life.
And so I'm walking away.

Today's McSpicy was great, not only was the meat succulent, the juice from the platter was also sinfully dripping onto my pants.
Fwah, since when did McDonald's churn out such decent meat, I thought.
Ah!
C'est la vie eh?
Nah, it's only a cheap burger and I'm rambling as though it's a $10 oyster from some international buffet.

-

Today (Thursday, 18th March '10) was a peculiar day.
It all began with something and ended with nothing, just like what it was always.
I got changed.
I styled my awfully messed-up hair a little - though to no avail.
I threw a white polo tee and a black cardigan over and pulled up my jeans and was about ready to go, then I asked myself "Where to?"
As ambiguous as it was, I didn't really have a place that I wanted to go.
I was procrastinating between Sim Lim, Peninsular Plaza (for add-on gadgets) or Suntec City before the evening crowd gonna prohibit my shopping trips at that area in the upcoming days.

In the end, I succumbed to boredom, absolute boredom -
I went to the boring "mall" a few minutes' walk from my place and bought two copies of newspaper, and returned home.
I surrendered myself to the massive LCD screen in my hall,
Hogging it all day long watching the amazing desert animals hunt and kill, and eventually what USS Ronald Reagen was all about.
There was the usual snacks littered all over the coffee-desk and my trustworthy notebook right infront of me while my eyes was oscillating between the two LCDs.
Later on, things got a little worse. I had to endure a marathon of EPL matches.

All by myself.

Perfect ingredients to a slouch potato indeed.

-

When I recovered from all that health-detrimental antics, I realised there were a couple of missed YM and FB messages while I abandoned my notebook for the TV.
Not that it bother me one bit. I mean, where are the people whom I want to talk to?
Hah, I bet with my tail that I'm probably blocked or am deleted, but there was nary a tear, yeah.
Today's newpaper was a good read, probably because I haven't been reading seriously for the past weeks.
Then for no apparent reason, I started getting petty with myself.
When I was getting my supper, I saw a prick riding an unicycle (I shan't go on), wobbling around as though he's some clown juggling bowling pins.
I had an adrenaline rush, the rush of blood to my head, I was fuming at myself.
Then when I got home, ready to devour that "last bowl of hay mee", I flipped the papers violently to be greeted by a "Mercedes E class" advertisement, vulgarly splashed across the page.

Among the Toyotas, Peugeots and Mazdas indeed.

I couldn't believe it, even whoever above hates me I thought.
I couldn't eat in peace, and it was made worse when SCV was showing this show of a bunch of poor Japanese vagabonds or what not, about their lives on an unicycle.

MONKEYS.

WHAT THE FUCK? NOT ENOUGH EH?

-

It seemed like a long time since I got into this foul mood.
I cannot remember when I was so infuriated by such petty sightings, but nevertheless I am STILL a man who feels.

my blasphemy.

This scent of the bedsheet.

This mess of the pillows.

The ruffled bedsheets.

It seemed like yesterday.

Adjacent at the window;

This same darkness when I peer into the evening skies,

The gentle breeze still reluctantly blows,

Then there are the stars that never refuse to glow.

I've never felt more acquainted at a time like this.

I read blogs from people I'm close to, affiliated to, acquainted to, strangers who.

I felt like a wimp.

While other blogs or journal sites are diversified with topics like outings, school, obsessions, the hottest dude or lass, what's hot on radio, I'm still lamenting about the failure of emotional warfares; mine.

I'm sick, and I abhor myself for behaving like as though I've lost my gut.

I've always wanted to write different things, but I'm always suddenly deprived of ideas when I'm ready to spell.

I feel like a wimp and I really feel like a fucking piece of wimp.
I hate to tell myself, it's only love, it's only love.

Everyday..

I'll type till the wee hours, but who fucking cares?

I speak to myself, and who so fucking cares?

I sleep by myself, and who so fucking cares?

I eat with myself, and who of you fucking care?

Nil, Zilch, Kosong, 0.

Not any whom I want to would,

I don't want to hear the same things from different people,

I want to hear different things from the same people,

Is it all that difficult?

Okay, I've just blaspheme. I've never wanted to rant, but just let this be one.

I don't fuckin' care, anymore.

I can never comprehend why my desires are being twisted,

I feel so damaged and forlorn, who'll be here for me? Who?

In denial, I tell myself everything's still the same, it's still the same.



Au Revoir.

My Rojak Language.

The post you are about to read is solely written in a Rojak Language, so pardon the language barrier if you aren't familiar with it.

okay geng, aku tahu aku pernah dicabar kena blog dalam bahsa melayu ah kan, aku tak sahut pun cabaran tu, pasal aku tahu melayu aku memang macam tongkang pecah ah geng. tapi hari nie aku rasa aku dah kumpul enough courage ah untuk at least cuba ah blog dalam bahsa melayu, tu pasal kalau korang baca skarang kan geng, dah macam bahsa rojak. tapi takpa geng, yang penting confident. so hari nie aku bilang korang apa jadi kat aku and apa aku rasa. kononnya aku macam selebriti ah kan, korang nak tahu perkembangan aku gitu.

so pagi tadi kan geng, aku tgh tido syiok syiok tau, sumpah layan giler punya. lagi lagi aku tengah best eh layan mimpi yang sempurna (macam lagu indon tu) sekali satu kali punya bunyik "POMPOM!" (bukan pompom bunyik trompet si gemuk yang carik maznah tu) bunyi KARANG GUNI ah geng! kiwak, aku terkejut beruk geng! tersentak siol dari mimpi aku. aku da lah tengah syiok syiok tido eh, dengan selimut dengan bantal peluk, dengan cuaca sejuk, dengan aircon kat depan aku, wah, bak kata orang macam di syurga ah, skali nie apek buat darah aku up ah geng!

so aku pun macam terbangun ah, trus aku tgk hp(s) aku, pasal aku ada dua hp ah geng (nie bukan nak kerek, kenyataan je geng). aku tgk iphone aku ada 1 message, hp sony ericsson ada 1 msg. aku bukak lah sony ericsson dulu, rupanya dari orang tersayang ah geng, nak wish good morning. aku pun macam senyum senyum kambing ah kan, muka tutup tutup bantal semua. lepas tu aku pun reply, dahtu aku check la iphone aku. sekali geng, terkejut dok aku, bekas plak msg, alamak geng, gua cakap eh, gua tetiba rasa confused. kenapa plak bekas tetiba msg kan, macam aku pun biol jugak. so geng, aku bukak msg tu, skali dia msg aku "good morning" alamak geng! aku macam tak tahu nak cakap apa. on one hand, yang tersayang wish, on the other hand, bekas plak wish. alamak serious aku biol. aku ingat nak reply ah kan, tapi aku pikir punya pikir, alah tak yah ah kan. nak layan bekas buat apa. so aku buat bodoh. aku pun expect a reply ah kan dari yang tersayang pasal aku baru je reply dia. skali geng, sedih siot, aku ingat baru nak bermanja manja pagi pagi nie geng, maklumlah aku nie kan adorable geng. hahaha, skali geng, yang tersayang kata dia nak tido ah geng! alamak geng, aku punya hampa. tapi aku relek geng. aku pun tgk jam macam baru 930. dalam hati aku cakap aku sambung tido pun baik, so aku selimut ah balik.

time aku nak lelap tu geng, tetiba ada msg plak. aku pun macam excited geng ingat dari tersayang, sekali geng bekas msg lagi ah geng! dia tanya aku dah breakfast belum. padahal aku tak reply pun msg dia yang first. aku pun macam rasa berbelah bagi tau geng. wah concern sgt si bekas nie dgn aku, dah apa hal. tapi seperti biasa aku tak reply, aku tido. lepas tu geng, pukul 11 pagi aku terbangun pasal ada msg, dari yang tersayang, dia msg aku kata dia nak mandi dahtu nak keluar degan kawan dia. aku pun kata okay lah kan, takkan aku nak kata tak boleh, so aku pun macam expect ah since dia da bangun kan, boleh lah agak aku berbalas balas message ngan dia time aku kat atas katil nie, alamak geng skali dia tak reply ah geng! gua tunggu punya tunggu punya tunggu, buah tak jatuh jatuh. aku pun macam pasrah ah geng, aku just go with the flow. then geng, time aku baru je nak langkah pergi toilet nak cuci muka aku yang macam jambatan tak siap nie, iphone gua bunyi ah geng. mula mula gua cam happy ah kan, ingat yang tersayang, tapi geng iphone ah bunyik, bekas ah call! aku pun lagi sekali naik BIOL! lepas tu gua silent kan trus pergi mandi.

geng, dalam toilet aku pikiran ah. tengah nak teran taik tu ah geng gua pikir, orang yang tersayang tak carik aku kalau aku tak carik dia tau geng. aku pikir balik kenapa cam gitu eh. aku cam terasa jugak ah geng. macma dia dah bangun apa salah dia call aku. dua-tiga minit pun jadi ah, saja nak berbual je kan. tapi tak ah geng. aku cam yang selalu hegeh hegeh call dia geng. kdg kdg aku rasa neglected ah jugak. tapi nak buat cam mana sayang punya pasal. lepas tu geng, lepas aku mandi kan, yang tersayang misscall aku, aku punya happy geng! aku pun call dia balik ah kan. ingat dia saja nak ajak berbual ke apa. skali geng, dia ada masalah dgn laptop dahhhhhh.

aku pun tolong ah apa yang semampu, suruh dia buat tu buat nie. time tu aku dapat agak ah dari suara dia geng, dia bengang. tapi geng, aku tak bersalah, aku nak tolong lagi ada, tapi aku kena jugak. tapi aku pahamla geng, member tengah tension kan, so dgn aku aku lah kena. tapi aku relek ah. so lepas aku dah ajar semua, tapi memang apa kan daya, laptop tu takda harapan lah geng. harap nak reformat je. so dah cakap pasal laptop tu, aku ingat dia nak lah jugak berbual dengan aku pasal kita ke, saja berbual ke, skali geng, lepas laptop tu je dia kata "ah okay takpalah, thanks. okay bye" ALAMAK GENG! gua tersentap ah geng!!!! lepas tu gua pun macam tergagap kejap, gua cuma cakap "ah.. okay, bye" gua pun macam tetiba rasa, kalau dia ada hal penting je dia carik gua, kalau setakat nak call berbual, tak ah geng. gua pikir balik yang selalu call saja saja tu gua. dia tak. dia akan call kalau benda penting geng. tapi gua pikir balik, gitu ke relationship?

dah geng tu je geng! lepas tu terus gua duduk depan laptop nie type nie entry. entah lah geng. lu orang ada mata lu tengok, lu orang ada tlinga lu dengar, lu orang ada mulut lu cakap, lu orang ada otak, lu pikir la sendiri.

sekian, gua nak pergi cari makan untuk cekik!

Disclaimer : Cerita ini tiada sebarang kaitan dengan hidup mahupun yang mati. Dan ia tidak sama sekali ada kaitan dengan hidup si penulis, sekian.

ps : ZAI LU JANGAN MACAM MACAM GENG! HAHAHAHA!