i have always thought that you're not ready,
but now i realize it's not you,
it's me, i'm not ready,
i'm not ready to share you with anyone else.


i miss you.

why do i love you so much that it hurts?

I was peering through the curtains at the empty court, listening to the flyby planes when I thought I should write something.

-

Almost too often, you hear people saying extraordinary things about love. Being in love, the power of love, what love do to our lives, the love for people, the love from God, blah.

You do? I do, too.

Is love charitable, or is love a mechanism of sympathy?

Then some yesterdays ago, I heard someone that came up with the statement, "death is overrated".

I couldn't exactly remember when and where I stumbled upon this line, but it surely did came knocking some sense up north.

Probably made true by the ignominious kinship it has with the cowardice of suicide, death is almost always preferred by the most desperate people who want the easy way out of life.

I'm not saying every death shall be a glorious death, nor every suicide, an dishonourable act - but what is it, is it.

-

There's too much of these glorification going on about death, love and life; the trinity that came out with you from your mom's womb.

These exclamations, of love being a powerful stimulus in our lives, how it plays a mammoth role in our way of live, blah... I am clueless from where I should start believing, or where I should stop believing.

-

I wrote this because I was cheated into believing I was loved.

My maker made me believe that they loved me, they cared for me, and that they'll give me everything I want which will be good for me.

Through this belief, I then waged a war against the crusaders of my life, and I am adamant that this defiance and rage in me will tell me that I need to persevere to preserve my pride and stand.

Because I finally comprehend that "what is good for me, may not be good to you at all", now I want to have I want, that people might not want. So what is most important now; is what I want, not what people want. We don't live for others, don't we?

I'm an living individual, so after these ordeal, I suddenly questioned myself and ponder why does my life have to be managed as though it's a business deal.

Not making any sense at all.

-

I was never a rebel, but as the imminent demise of my acquiesce proved to be too overwhelming, I've decided that it's time I sail the sea myself.

I want to be my own captain, so sailors - please leave.

-

"I'm doing this because it's for your own good" - what if I think otherwise?

"You shouldn't be doing this because it's gonna implicate you and us" - Huh? Us?

"When the waters are calm, then you shall bring on the surfboard" - So where's my fun when I need it now?

"Do this, don't do that because it's gonna hurt us..." - Why do I always have to succumb to thou words?

Everything they said, they made me felt as though they loved me.

Sorry, but love is more than just monetary comfort or a few hugs. There's so much more.

When I can't help but to feel that this love was faux and otherwise, I suddenly felt ridiculed of what they wanted from me.

I then finally decide to stop being the rip-off I always was.

I can't condone any more of these; apparently all these pre-emptive "precautionary" phrases that were engulfing me of late is becoming more than a nag. It's become intolerably annoying and is absolutely detrimental to my psychological being.

I'm very sure I've listened enough, I want out, now.

-

Wait a minute, have I murmured a line or said something yet?

Where are the words that I wanted to be heard by you people?

I haven't even spoke a word, yet the assembly of these lewd and ludicrous blabbers from these unthoughtful selfish minions have already took a big part of me away.

I'm pretty sure that there are more heart aches than heart attacks out there everyday, but how many of the heartaches' actually even contemplated death?

Hardly, let me tell you.

Yet it is the death from these aches of the heart that are more murderous and frequent than the real death.

Some people just don't get it.

For fuck sake, just stop proclaiming.

Don't ever say "i love you" when you're not listening or you do not want to. There's no love without ears.


I'm grieving.

the never ending monologue.

I used to be a man of very few words when it comes to things that are personal. Throughout the months, I realize I've been rather open with my personal affair - especially with regards to matters of the heart. I believed why I did that was solely because I was happy being with the one I truly loved. I ignore speculations when others think a certain way about me. I re-read back my Facebook status last night, since mid last year when I first got myself entangle in a relationship. I was really happy back then. Mushy, yes a little - but more than anything else, it was jut about appreciation I had for the other half. Many knew but choose to keep quiet and not ask me straight to my face. Some did, though. And most of the time, they get an honest answer that make their jaw dropped. I have nothing to hide about my relationship status with anyone in the past. Yes, you could have notice I openly reiterate my status to in a relationship with someone whilst I was at it. More than anything else, I wasn't bragging about it, but more of respecting the other party and telling the latter, look, I appreciate and love you and I'm not shy nor afraid to share it with the whole world.

These dew weeks have been a rough week personally for me, but I realized my Facebook status hasn't been as morbid as I thought it'll be. I'm thankful I have friends around me that are willing to go through with me and give me strength. And yes, as most of you could have already noticed, the relationship status has changed - and indeed in reality too. There's no grudges between us. I have not even a pinch of hatred feelings for the latter. I have once love the latter all my heart- and truth to be told, still am. But things doesn't always go our way. There are things in life better a certain way. I appreciate everything the latter has done for me. I love the latter but I loathe a certain behavior. God created us all differently - that I'm willing to accept. And I believe sometimes, we just need to give them time to change or realize. I have given the latter several opportunities and things aren't working out. I badly wished it had, because truly I want it to work out so bad.

I'm not going to pin the latter down with whatever that has happened. I believe in every failure, we ourselves are to blame. I have no doubt that I have my mistakes and flaws too. I guess what I thought was the best for us may not be for the latter. There are hurtful things I might have done, but never have I intentionally done it. Sometimes I thought, you will understand, but sometimes it isn't that way. At times, you think what I did was just ridiculous and annoying, but I thought it was normal and fine. Small things intrigued me, but not for you. In every step you took in your life, I've always been supporting and giving my all to what you're doing. But, you think I'm not supporting you when all I did was being overly concerned for you. I tried my best to give what I've got to prove that I was sincere and that I loved you but all I got was a bad impression of myself. I was just being overly concerned when I tried to talk you out. Sometimes whatever we think is right, is not right. We are bias against ourselves, we always want to win in any battle. But, sometimes we just have to face it - we do lose at times. I guess this time both of us has lost one another. I'm really not the least happy about it, cause for one year, I have worked for this relationship. Trying hard to make it work, trying hard to prove I'm sincere, trying hard to show you I want to take care you, Trying to show you I'll be with you whenever you need me. But I guess I'm just human. I make mistake and I guess my mistake was that I was trying so hard. I just didn't want to lose you, but truth to be told, I just have.

The last thing I will ever want to be in, is a situation where I am betrayed and played behind my back. I just can't accept that. If someone's really unhappy being with me, they just have to tell me and I'll understand that I'm not needed. I can't accept being treated like a mannequin. Saying you were busy with your commitments with something you like, I'm perfectly okay with that. But shoo-ing me off despite me supporting you all the way is just not nice. You told everyone else I wasn't supportive with what you are doing. You told everyone else that I can't accept what you like. I really beg to differ because all these while I was there to support you in every decisions you make - although sometimes I tend to nag. One thing to do that, but it's another whole story when you shoo me off, but could spend time with another being. I wasn't asking for much. During the time I was with you, I knew your schedule very well. I called you during times you were a bit free to entertain me. And I rarely hogged on the phone for long when I know you're out and busy. But, I guess that was too much for a someone who loves you to do for you. I guess you find it annoying. In real fact, I think you actually find me annoying. I have come to terms with that. :)

I'm not gonna rant any further because there's just too much things to say and I just can't go on any further. I just wanted to let this out here because I couldn't succumb it to myself any further. But fret not, I'll recover.

No doubt, I still blame myself for the failure of the relationship. I wasn't good enough for you. I know you've found someone else and I'm happy if you're happy. I just need to take a rest now. Just a long rest.

Au revoir.

I never did give up.
You want me outta your life.
And so I'm walking away.

Today's McSpicy was great, not only was the meat succulent, the juice from the platter was also sinfully dripping onto my pants.
Fwah, since when did McDonald's churn out such decent meat, I thought.
Ah!
C'est la vie eh?
Nah, it's only a cheap burger and I'm rambling as though it's a $10 oyster from some international buffet.

-

Today (Thursday, 18th March '10) was a peculiar day.
It all began with something and ended with nothing, just like what it was always.
I got changed.
I styled my awfully messed-up hair a little - though to no avail.
I threw a white polo tee and a black cardigan over and pulled up my jeans and was about ready to go, then I asked myself "Where to?"
As ambiguous as it was, I didn't really have a place that I wanted to go.
I was procrastinating between Sim Lim, Peninsular Plaza (for add-on gadgets) or Suntec City before the evening crowd gonna prohibit my shopping trips at that area in the upcoming days.

In the end, I succumbed to boredom, absolute boredom -
I went to the boring "mall" a few minutes' walk from my place and bought two copies of newspaper, and returned home.
I surrendered myself to the massive LCD screen in my hall,
Hogging it all day long watching the amazing desert animals hunt and kill, and eventually what USS Ronald Reagen was all about.
There was the usual snacks littered all over the coffee-desk and my trustworthy notebook right infront of me while my eyes was oscillating between the two LCDs.
Later on, things got a little worse. I had to endure a marathon of EPL matches.

All by myself.

Perfect ingredients to a slouch potato indeed.

-

When I recovered from all that health-detrimental antics, I realised there were a couple of missed YM and FB messages while I abandoned my notebook for the TV.
Not that it bother me one bit. I mean, where are the people whom I want to talk to?
Hah, I bet with my tail that I'm probably blocked or am deleted, but there was nary a tear, yeah.
Today's newpaper was a good read, probably because I haven't been reading seriously for the past weeks.
Then for no apparent reason, I started getting petty with myself.
When I was getting my supper, I saw a prick riding an unicycle (I shan't go on), wobbling around as though he's some clown juggling bowling pins.
I had an adrenaline rush, the rush of blood to my head, I was fuming at myself.
Then when I got home, ready to devour that "last bowl of hay mee", I flipped the papers violently to be greeted by a "Mercedes E class" advertisement, vulgarly splashed across the page.

Among the Toyotas, Peugeots and Mazdas indeed.

I couldn't believe it, even whoever above hates me I thought.
I couldn't eat in peace, and it was made worse when SCV was showing this show of a bunch of poor Japanese vagabonds or what not, about their lives on an unicycle.

MONKEYS.

WHAT THE FUCK? NOT ENOUGH EH?

-

It seemed like a long time since I got into this foul mood.
I cannot remember when I was so infuriated by such petty sightings, but nevertheless I am STILL a man who feels.

my blasphemy.

This scent of the bedsheet.

This mess of the pillows.

The ruffled bedsheets.

It seemed like yesterday.

Adjacent at the window;

This same darkness when I peer into the evening skies,

The gentle breeze still reluctantly blows,

Then there are the stars that never refuse to glow.

I've never felt more acquainted at a time like this.

I read blogs from people I'm close to, affiliated to, acquainted to, strangers who.

I felt like a wimp.

While other blogs or journal sites are diversified with topics like outings, school, obsessions, the hottest dude or lass, what's hot on radio, I'm still lamenting about the failure of emotional warfares; mine.

I'm sick, and I abhor myself for behaving like as though I've lost my gut.

I've always wanted to write different things, but I'm always suddenly deprived of ideas when I'm ready to spell.

I feel like a wimp and I really feel like a fucking piece of wimp.
I hate to tell myself, it's only love, it's only love.

Everyday..

I'll type till the wee hours, but who fucking cares?

I speak to myself, and who so fucking cares?

I sleep by myself, and who so fucking cares?

I eat with myself, and who of you fucking care?

Nil, Zilch, Kosong, 0.

Not any whom I want to would,

I don't want to hear the same things from different people,

I want to hear different things from the same people,

Is it all that difficult?

Okay, I've just blaspheme. I've never wanted to rant, but just let this be one.

I don't fuckin' care, anymore.

I can never comprehend why my desires are being twisted,

I feel so damaged and forlorn, who'll be here for me? Who?

In denial, I tell myself everything's still the same, it's still the same.



Au Revoir.